Sobering Reflection June 1, 2008

At the risk of knowing this person may read this entry and know it was written about them…I still choose to write.  A difficult thing for me…but I trust them.

I had the opportunity to speak to an old friend that I go waaay back with.  Yes, we had parted ways for many years…it seems some things had not changed.  Some for the good, others maybe not so much.

We spoke at legnth about all the ups and downs that life had thrown our way and how we had decided to accept and embrace what we had be given.  I took much comfort in the idea of speaking with someone I felt I had a bond with and who may actually really know me.  For better or for worse.

As much as I truly enjoyed our time together, there was a comment made at the very end of our legnthy conversation that hit me like a ton of bricks.  See, I have a tendency to apologize for myself a lot.  I show my insecurities in social situations..especially when I feel inferior.

As the conversation was wrapping up, I found myself putting myself down…almost in a way of defending myself in case I was coming across unintelligent or foolish.  So, I was called out… A comment was made that was immediately sobering.  It went something to the effect of “Even 8 years later you are still making the same excuses.”  (Not the exact words but as close as I can remember) 

It immediately stopped me in my path.  Here i am (completely naive) thinking that I have been making strides..no, leaps and bounds while growing up and yet, in some ways I am completely the same. 

They were right.  Completely right.   What is it going to take for me to be ok with who I am?  That includes my short comings, imperfections and flaws.  I guess I have not figured out how to “love myself” just yet?  Well, if I have not made any progress in 8 years…where will I be in 8 more years?  Kind of depressing…..yet motivating.

I guess I have a choice here.  I can dwell on the negative aspect or I can love that this has been brought to my attention and begin to figure it out.  I do not want to be complacent or unchanged.  I want to continue developing and reinventing myself.  (not just my hair!)

I feel like an old school warrior back in the day when they had been called out and challenged in front of the crowds!  Well, I accept the challenge! (spoken in an intimidating, strong, and for some reason manly voice…?) 

I need to take this time in my life as a time to wholly seek out my worth and where it comes from and why.  I know the typical church taught answers…but I need to find out in my own way.  for myself.

This should be interesting…especially since I thought I was so far down this road already…geez!  So, thank you, friend, for being a true friend. 

I hope you all will continue visiting the “Who I Am” Page to see what new and fun things I have learned about myself lately. 

I would love to know your thoughts on this…especially if you can identify with these feelings…?  Really, any thoughts or bits of advice are welcome!

Great Night, Cool People June 1, 2008

It’s been so long since I have been able to go out, enjoy some food and music with good friends.  What a great time tonight and a rockstar babysitter too!  Love it when things come together!  Long time overdue!

 I am so proud of my kids too.  To have the perfect children for babysitters makes a momma proud!  Balance is a good thing in life…just figuring it all out now.

Bitterness May 21, 2008

life sucks when you hang on to it.  It is so hard sometimes.

“There are things that you can experience that the only way to handle them is to lay them at His feet.”

I have been practicing grace and forgiveness.  Oh, it sucks too.

 

Quick Overview… May 18, 2008

I have been traveling pretty much nonstop for about 3 weeks and primarily without my computer so I have a lot to say but not enough time to write so here goes a lot of completely random thought I want to purge…

Church…kinda miffed (but trying to have compassion) by the people who get angered or annoyed when our Pastor preaches anything to do with money. Thoughts: do you know how often Jesus used finances in his teachings?…a lot! …also, black and white…how do you expect the church doors to stay open people?  Does our Pastor drive a Benz and flash a Rolex?  Thankfully the answer in no.  Have some faith in the staff we trust our faith to.  Seriously.  ITs easy to take, take, take when you are in church…try giving.

Vegas-Got my traveling juices flowing again.  I forgot how much I love traveling and getting out to do new things!  I am already trying to figure out where and when I go get out again.

People-I have met some interesting people in my travels.  Something else I miss. People are such a unique study. How they got to where they are and where they hope to go.  I could sit for hours on end in a real and honest conversation with almost anyone. I have enjoyed my new friends.

Kids-Every day I am happy to say I fall more and more in love with them.  It took me a long time to adjust to the role as mother but now it is just me and I love it.  Everyday my son says the cookiest, pure things that just crack me up!  And my daughter is every bit of the words pure, joy and sweet all wrapped up in one.

Family-had a rough week or so with some medical scares.  There arent many in our family so when it happens it is tough but also so cool to watch everyone come together like a finely tuned machine!  I love them and am glad everyone is ok.

God-Words leave me.  Simply wonderful.  I will never comprehend the love and mercy.

Work-Inspired to get things going again and get the creative juices flowing.

The Adventure Called Me-Happy.  Don’t get me wrong, lots of hard times and sad moments but I am actively trying to better my life and get back to the fun-loving, joyous Carla.

 

Keep This Vibe April 1, 2008

I have been motivated lately to be a positive change…one that I envy in others.  I have a terrific life.  I want to remember that every day.

I have a husband who adores me and would give his soul to save mine.  I have children that cry when I leave them and come to me to kiss their boo boos.  I have family who are tight, strong, and unconditional.  I have a beautiful roof over my head.  I have a luxurious bed to rest my head on.  I have a safe and comfortable vehicle that my children and I enjoy daily without a care.

I have a church family for the first time.  I have friends that I can call at 11pm because I am in need.  I have people to laugh with, people to cry with.  I have great health.  My family is in great health.  I am not in need.  I can afford to buy my family what they need.  I can afford to give to others.

I have so much.  I tend to be a negative person.  I never knew how hard real life was but I am here and I am going to conquer it.  I will not be beaten down.  I can do this.  I am young, time is on my side.  (Next time I am down…remind me to re-read this!)

In the end, I am grateful.

Please Comment. Yes, You. March 25, 2008

1.) What is the one thing you like most about yourself as a person?

2.) What is the worst part to your personality?

3.) What is your most stressful thing in your life?

4.) What is the one thing you want people to know about you right now?

5.) Can you say you love yourself the way you are right at this moment?

Please don’t leave without answering.  Be real.  Please.  I just want to challenge people to open up to others.  See that you are not alone or maybe to give you a voice….maybe it can help another?  You have that kind of power.  Use it.

I know people who read this blog and have never commented.  Please comment now.  Yes…YOU!  I mean it.  I am interested in knowing about you. 

If you chose not to…why?

A Moment I Have Dreaded February 23, 2008

So we just got the call today that Franc is going to be going out of town to New Orleans in a week and a half for his next film.  I am super bummed.

He will be there for over a month.  I am not sure how long exactly.  This makes my life sooo difficult!  Not to mention Franc’s life too.  I know it is not the popular thing to say right now since Katrina but New Orleans is NOT a good place to be.  Last time he had to work there post Katrina it was a nightmare.  The desperation was driving people to do such terrible things.  So needless to say I will not be going on the trip with him. 

So…for those of you friends that are within driving distance…be prepared for me and my orphan family to show up on your doorstep looking for company!  We have been fortunate enough to not have had to out of town for the past year which is amazing but now it is time.  Yuck.  I am getting so uneasy about the thought.

Well anyway, I will keep praying about it.  God will put us where He wants us.  (I am not very good about this process…I like to do it MY way! )

Freakin’ your Freak February 14, 2008

I did it.  Today was the day.  I turned the corner.  It was an overall good day.  I celebrated by well as I told you yesterday… getting my hair done. 

I have had my own type of “bucket list” (things you’d like to accomplish before you kick the bucket…).  One of them being putting hot pink highlights in my hair!  Whaaat?   Did she just say that?  Yup, thats right, people.  I did it. I went for it.  And let me tell ya… I Loooove it.  It is me.

It felt great to let loose and do something unexpected and fun!  I highly recommend it!   We all laughed in the salon that some people have affairs, get a sportscar, overspend….. I go pink!  Hey, it’s the healthier option!

I was a little worried about looking silly since I am a mom and all but hey, I’m not getting any younger so I might as well get it out now!  (I think it would look a little sillier at 44 instead of 24!)

So there… go do something crazy.  Go big.  And love every second of it!  If you need a partner in crime just let me know!  I would love to be there for ya!  I am great at talking people into tattoos!  It’s hilarious!

Life is short, hair grows back, piercings come out, tattoos will be removable before we know it!  Go live and don’t regret!  (Listen to me bein’ all positive and crap!  How hypocritical am I?!!)

 Tehehehehe…