Favorite Moment of The Day May 27, 2008

I struggled with many emotions and levels of hurt today.  I was dissappointed in myself for nearly taking it out my kids.  I was such a lump of crap today. 

Well, luckily, toward the end my son asked if we could dance!  This is pretty typical in our home.  We blast the ipod (well, these days the computer since he dunked my ipod in water!) and we rock out like fools!  Now, I have NO rythm so it is especially fun to watch!

This was exactly what I needed!  I grabbed my daughter and we all danced in the living room like twitching idiots!  It lifted my spirits and put things into perspective for me!  Thanks Kiddo!

Welcome to Justificationville… May 22, 2008

…where I am the mayor, CEO, and president.

Lately I have been forced to face the facts about my issue with justification.  Now, in my defense…just kidding…no more justifying!!!  hehehe.

Ya know, its a sucky town here where I have been living.  It is full of confusion, uncertainty and of course awful gas prices.  I have been challenged to begin thinking differently and just seeing struggles and hurdles as black and white rather than grey.  Is it right or wrong?  Simple.

Anyway, I hope you don’t come to visit anytime soon.  If you are driving through to get to where you are going…just keep driving.  (my daughter just pushed a button and I have no clue how to get off these stinkin italics.  Now people are going to think I actually have something worth looking at to say… Oh crap.

Sissybug May 18, 2008

My daughter got the name “Sissybug” from my son and ever since then that is just her name.  Well sissybug has mastered a new crawling technique we like to call the “stinkbug!”

It is hilarious.  She crawls on her hands and feet causing her little diaper bottom to get high up in the air and waddle back and forth with every step.  It just cracks me up.

Quick Overview… May 18, 2008

I have been traveling pretty much nonstop for about 3 weeks and primarily without my computer so I have a lot to say but not enough time to write so here goes a lot of completely random thought I want to purge…

Church…kinda miffed (but trying to have compassion) by the people who get angered or annoyed when our Pastor preaches anything to do with money. Thoughts: do you know how often Jesus used finances in his teachings?…a lot! …also, black and white…how do you expect the church doors to stay open people?  Does our Pastor drive a Benz and flash a Rolex?  Thankfully the answer in no.  Have some faith in the staff we trust our faith to.  Seriously.  ITs easy to take, take, take when you are in church…try giving.

Vegas-Got my traveling juices flowing again.  I forgot how much I love traveling and getting out to do new things!  I am already trying to figure out where and when I go get out again.

People-I have met some interesting people in my travels.  Something else I miss. People are such a unique study. How they got to where they are and where they hope to go.  I could sit for hours on end in a real and honest conversation with almost anyone. I have enjoyed my new friends.

Kids-Every day I am happy to say I fall more and more in love with them.  It took me a long time to adjust to the role as mother but now it is just me and I love it.  Everyday my son says the cookiest, pure things that just crack me up!  And my daughter is every bit of the words pure, joy and sweet all wrapped up in one.

Family-had a rough week or so with some medical scares.  There arent many in our family so when it happens it is tough but also so cool to watch everyone come together like a finely tuned machine!  I love them and am glad everyone is ok.

God-Words leave me.  Simply wonderful.  I will never comprehend the love and mercy.

Work-Inspired to get things going again and get the creative juices flowing.

The Adventure Called Me-Happy.  Don’t get me wrong, lots of hard times and sad moments but I am actively trying to better my life and get back to the fun-loving, joyous Carla.

 

Daddy Patrol April 26, 2008

It’s good to be a baby girl.  You see, I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl.  Sometimes it had its downfalls but still to this day it sure has its perks.

Tonight is our first night in the new home.  We don’t have much in it and I am sleeping on the floor of the living room but I don’t care.  I love it.

So, I was laying on the floor peacefully when I heard a huge crash coming from the backyard (which was right on the other side of the wall where I was at)  I was on the phone when it happened with my husband (who was furious that he couldn’t be there for me) when I immediately hung up and called the Daddy Patrol.

Now I knew from experience what this meant.  Making this call was like calling on the troops…pulling the fire alarm…calling 911….there was no turning back.  Dad was in the car so fast without hesitation.  I was able to peek out my window to see a neighbor who came over and scouted the perimeter.  That was nice and all, but not nearly as soothing as after the Daddy Patrol does his search.

No one is more thorough and detailed.  (Well, my own hubby is…that’s why I picked him…takes a lot to fill the Daddy shoes!)  So dad did his scout and determined we were safe.  Still no idea what the sound was but that doesn’t matter anymore…Daddy said we were safe.

So…thanks Dad.  All you dads out there…you never go out of style!  You never get replaced.  We always need you.  Little girls always need their daddy’s.

Not For The Weak March 3, 2008

So this is something I rarely talk about anymore.  But I am at a point where I question my beliefs in this matter.  Tell me what you think.

I have a dear friend whom I have known longer than anyone else in my life besides my family.  We played as kids, planned our weddings to out favorite New Kid On The Block, and planned raising our babies together someday.

Well sometime in her teens she took a turn for the worse.  She went from the all American Girl next door to a troubled girl who found identity in bad people.  She quickly deteriorated and fell harder and faster ever day.  Her parents tried desperately to step in and did everything in their power to save her but it was too late.  She had made up her mind. 

She wasnt out of her teens when she got pregnant with her daughter.  She tried cleaning up but it never took.  She continued to barely get by and make bad decisions.  A couple of years later she found herself pregnant again.  By then she was even worse. When her son was 4 months of age she basically asked her mom if she could watch her kids for the night which turned into forever. 

Almost 3 years have gone by since that night.  She has hit an all time low.  She is in jail, again and I am sure it will not be her last.  Unfortunatley jail is probably the best place she could be considering the alternatives would be walking the street corner with a pimp. 

I never would have thought I would even know anybody with a story like this and this is my best friend.  She has done countless terrible things to her family as well as mine. Countless fake attempts to get get clean only to realize she never had any real intentions and it would rip us apart. 

I recently received an update on her and it got me thinking about how I feel about her.  Last I saw her I was dropping her off at a help center saying good riddance.  She had done me and my family wrong one last time and was not going to be made a fool of again.  She walked away unaffected.

It breaks my heart that my friend doesnt care that she is hurting me.  (Not to even mention her own children and family)  It makes me feel like I am not worth anything to her.  Like our dreams we planned as kids were just a game.  She was my maid of honor but I guess I will never get to be hers like we had planned.  I feel abandoned.  And the worst part is what she chose over me…a pimp who beats her and random men who abuse her and friends who could never care for her like I do.

I just have a little guilt setting in because I don’t know how to forgive over and over.  Iknow I need to but i am confused what to do after that.  I have written her off and have made that overly clear to her.  On the other hand I still have that deep desire to see her come around and clean up.  I wonder if I am doing the right thing.  Is this tough love or just being mean?

Her poor parents are getting roped into another upsetting facade as we speak.  Now that she is in jail again she starts calling home.  (Keep in mind this is the ONLY time they hear from her) Of course she found Jesus…for the 28th time and wants to get her act together.  Bull. 

Have any of you dealt with stuff like this?  Would you continue letting her come back only to probably hurt you again?

My Mornings With Sissy February 25, 2008

Although I hate mornings and would do ANYTHING to avoid having to get up…I love it when my little girl wakes up before my son so she and I can just hang a little.  Not that I don’t enjoy my son in the morning but he wakes up very similarly to mommy…cranky.

My little bugger on the other hand is so different.. It is the coolest thing to walk in her room and the moment she seems me her arms are flailing, her legs are going crazy and I don’t think she could smile any bigger.  Plus…she loves chillin with me on the couch watching tv and talkin’!  (That ggives mommy a chance to wake up nice and slowly!  Plus, her smiley toothy grin and bubbly noises but it so much easier!)