The One That Got Away… December 26, 2008

That’s me!  I should coin a term for it or something…it would describe the girl who goes for a guy possibly a little underdoggish and sees the potential! (go ahead…laugh)

Somehow the same pattern repeats and repeats and yet I don’t learn.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been “the one that got away” in the end of so many relationships. I guess its what the Bible calls unequally yolked.  I believe in someone and see the potential, they are excited at the new feeling of confidence I bring to their mediocre sense of self and life and we grow together. Except…there come that point.  That point when they realize this is hard work and I don’t want this anymore…yes it is all for a good cause but…nah.

A few months/years whatever go by and I get my title…”the one that got away.”  All of the sudden I was the best thing that ever happened to them and how they were so stupid to let me go…??!!!  What???  Seriously…major copout.

So when is it going to be time to meet the person who does think I am worth it to make a sacrifice, to step up, to not have to let me go before they realize what they had?

Thank you for listening to my ramblings and rants. Just gotta get it out every now and then….I’m not even altogether sure it makes sense!

But She’s So Beautiful and Confident December 26, 2008

“She’s Intimidating,”  “She’d never want to be friends with ME!.”  “I am way to boring to compare to Her!”   “I bet she has tons of dates’”   “Men must approach her ALL of the time!”  “She would never go out with ME!”  “Gee, it must be rough.”  “I bet SHE’s never lobely on a Friday night.”

These are the absolutely rediculous things I hear from behind, through the grapevine or wherever else but of course never to my face.  It makes me so angry.  So hurt.  Am I that shallow?  Do people think I am that shallow?  Do they even realize it is such an insult?

Meanwhile they enjoy their cliques, friends, play dates and luncheons.  All the while…I sit at home…alone.  I’m that girl.  The one who doesnt get invited, the one hears about the fun the day after.

How am I supposed to make friends, to fit in?  The days when my children are at their fathers, all I want is to have something that resembles a personal life, a sign that someone cares and want ME.  Anyone.

I’m so sick of hearing the lame excuses.  I am a person and I need friends, love, attention, a sense of belonging.

So, here I sit.  Been in bed on a Friday night with no children since 7pm. Wishing and trying semi embarrassing techniques to make excuses to talk to the people I kinda know and make pathetic attempts to not invite myself to whatever they may be doing….to no avail.

Just an Overall Update August 31, 2008

Things have been moving at the speed of light for us these days!  So busy, places to go and people to see! 

It has been very interesting for me lately because eventhough a major part of my life is falling to pieces and it is most definately the hardest time of my life…I am gaining more confidence, pride (the good kind!) and  just feeling altogether okay.

I have managed to learn how to try out letting things go to God and learning how to achieve peace even when things are hard.  Now, I am not claiming I am great at it but for now this is what I have and I feel that HE thinks its good enough!

I have moments that I give into anger or  hurt but the difference now is that If I do, I recognize it and quickly change my behavior.  It is so freeing to know if you give it up truly that you will be alright.  No matter how huge the problem is!

So…things are hard, sometimes I do get overwhelmed with not being able to see any light at the end of the tunnel but I am practicing faith and I believe there is a light!  That is huge for me!

Blue Haired Ladies? February 15, 2008

So this morning I attended my first Ladies Bible Study.  I was really excited that I was going to get a chance to really connect with people with the same issues or lifestyles.   I was nervous considering I wasnt sure if I was going to know anybody or fit in but I was determined to go.  Of course I had a tough time in the morning and had to show up like 20 minutes late but I didnt care!!!

 I walked in thinking “Oh, great.  These conservative ladies are gonna take one look at my hot pink self and roll their eyes waaay back in their heads!”  I was happy to see that I was very well accepted.  (I think anyway)   I walked in as they were sharing a little about themselves and were finishing up on the last person.  So there I was not knowing a thing about any of these people with all of their eyes burning a hole in my forehead waiting to hear all about me.

It was like I had tourets syndrome… I couldnt even begin without blurting…”Um, I’m like blogging about the fact that I like suck socially and am just gonna like, um, come out with the fact that I am very, um, like, uncomfortable right now… And um, well, my name is Carla and I just, um, want to be, like, honest?”   Siiigh…..

I was very curious to see how these new found friends would react to my diahrea of the mouth…  It went pretty well…considering.  They flat out told me it was a surprise to hear.  That I walked in with such confidence and strong presence.  I just started laughing.  I guess I am like a box of chocolates… you never know what yer gonna get! (And apparently I am incredibly cheesy too.)

I have always had an interesting perception on things.  I never quite take away what was intended or what everyone else took away.  So, when I think of a ladies bible study… I imagine this… go with me… blue haired ladies, formal bibles, folded hands with crossed ankles, condemnation and a lot of “oh bless her hearts.”  You know that is the Christian old lady way of justifying gossiping about other people and making it sound like a prayer request! Oh please! We are SO on to you!!!

So in the end… it went well. I will continue to make a spectacle of myself until I get it right! These ladies have no clue they are a part of my social experiment! I will call them my guinea pigs!