In The End July 13, 2008

…it doesn’t even matter. 

Today I took one point away from church that I hope I will hold onto forever.  What really matters.

At the end of your day, when you sit down and reflect, how much of what you did that day matters for eternity?

I am completely guilty of getting caught up in the stupid things.

Favorite Part Of The Day June 2, 2008

The phone call talked about below in “Sobering Reflections” post. 

Also, running with my kids in the water at the beach.  We laughed our buns off!  Also, being able to walk there straight from church…and be welcome back to church all sandy and wet!  So many good things all rolled into one!

Sobering Reflection June 1, 2008

At the risk of knowing this person may read this entry and know it was written about them…I still choose to write.  A difficult thing for me…but I trust them.

I had the opportunity to speak to an old friend that I go waaay back with.  Yes, we had parted ways for many years…it seems some things had not changed.  Some for the good, others maybe not so much.

We spoke at legnth about all the ups and downs that life had thrown our way and how we had decided to accept and embrace what we had be given.  I took much comfort in the idea of speaking with someone I felt I had a bond with and who may actually really know me.  For better or for worse.

As much as I truly enjoyed our time together, there was a comment made at the very end of our legnthy conversation that hit me like a ton of bricks.  See, I have a tendency to apologize for myself a lot.  I show my insecurities in social situations..especially when I feel inferior.

As the conversation was wrapping up, I found myself putting myself down…almost in a way of defending myself in case I was coming across unintelligent or foolish.  So, I was called out… A comment was made that was immediately sobering.  It went something to the effect of “Even 8 years later you are still making the same excuses.”  (Not the exact words but as close as I can remember) 

It immediately stopped me in my path.  Here i am (completely naive) thinking that I have been making strides..no, leaps and bounds while growing up and yet, in some ways I am completely the same. 

They were right.  Completely right.   What is it going to take for me to be ok with who I am?  That includes my short comings, imperfections and flaws.  I guess I have not figured out how to “love myself” just yet?  Well, if I have not made any progress in 8 years…where will I be in 8 more years?  Kind of depressing…..yet motivating.

I guess I have a choice here.  I can dwell on the negative aspect or I can love that this has been brought to my attention and begin to figure it out.  I do not want to be complacent or unchanged.  I want to continue developing and reinventing myself.  (not just my hair!)

I feel like an old school warrior back in the day when they had been called out and challenged in front of the crowds!  Well, I accept the challenge! (spoken in an intimidating, strong, and for some reason manly voice…?) 

I need to take this time in my life as a time to wholly seek out my worth and where it comes from and why.  I know the typical church taught answers…but I need to find out in my own way.  for myself.

This should be interesting…especially since I thought I was so far down this road already…geez!  So, thank you, friend, for being a true friend. 

I hope you all will continue visiting the “Who I Am” Page to see what new and fun things I have learned about myself lately. 

I would love to know your thoughts on this…especially if you can identify with these feelings…?  Really, any thoughts or bits of advice are welcome!

Quick Overview… May 18, 2008

I have been traveling pretty much nonstop for about 3 weeks and primarily without my computer so I have a lot to say but not enough time to write so here goes a lot of completely random thought I want to purge…

Church…kinda miffed (but trying to have compassion) by the people who get angered or annoyed when our Pastor preaches anything to do with money. Thoughts: do you know how often Jesus used finances in his teachings?…a lot! …also, black and white…how do you expect the church doors to stay open people?  Does our Pastor drive a Benz and flash a Rolex?  Thankfully the answer in no.  Have some faith in the staff we trust our faith to.  Seriously.  ITs easy to take, take, take when you are in church…try giving.

Vegas-Got my traveling juices flowing again.  I forgot how much I love traveling and getting out to do new things!  I am already trying to figure out where and when I go get out again.

People-I have met some interesting people in my travels.  Something else I miss. People are such a unique study. How they got to where they are and where they hope to go.  I could sit for hours on end in a real and honest conversation with almost anyone. I have enjoyed my new friends.

Kids-Every day I am happy to say I fall more and more in love with them.  It took me a long time to adjust to the role as mother but now it is just me and I love it.  Everyday my son says the cookiest, pure things that just crack me up!  And my daughter is every bit of the words pure, joy and sweet all wrapped up in one.

Family-had a rough week or so with some medical scares.  There arent many in our family so when it happens it is tough but also so cool to watch everyone come together like a finely tuned machine!  I love them and am glad everyone is ok.

God-Words leave me.  Simply wonderful.  I will never comprehend the love and mercy.

Work-Inspired to get things going again and get the creative juices flowing.

The Adventure Called Me-Happy.  Don’t get me wrong, lots of hard times and sad moments but I am actively trying to better my life and get back to the fun-loving, joyous Carla.

 

Brain Freeze: Overload May 12, 2008

So much to say, not enough time.  Wouldn’t know where to start.  Come back later.  Got to wait for the brain to sort through the junk mail.  Darn brain spam.

 

Miss my church and friends.

Vegas wedding weekend was fun.

Apple was an amazing bride and Tony rocked the house. Superstars.

I slept way to little.

So happy to be back with my children.

Super thoughtful huisband drove 16 hours to surprise me with my kiddos when I got home so I could see them before Mother’s Day ended.  Super awesome.

I am beginning to like myself a little more each day.

I am proud of the kind of mom I have become.

I have been finding comfort in making mistakes and looking to my little pink BIble to find the answers.

Loved Loved Loved seeing my bff Kami as my date in Vegas after 3 years of missing her!

Heard a great saying that I will choose to live by… “Do things that make for better stories!”  

So much more, be back after naptime.

Keep This Vibe April 1, 2008

I have been motivated lately to be a positive change…one that I envy in others.  I have a terrific life.  I want to remember that every day.

I have a husband who adores me and would give his soul to save mine.  I have children that cry when I leave them and come to me to kiss their boo boos.  I have family who are tight, strong, and unconditional.  I have a beautiful roof over my head.  I have a luxurious bed to rest my head on.  I have a safe and comfortable vehicle that my children and I enjoy daily without a care.

I have a church family for the first time.  I have friends that I can call at 11pm because I am in need.  I have people to laugh with, people to cry with.  I have great health.  My family is in great health.  I am not in need.  I can afford to buy my family what they need.  I can afford to give to others.

I have so much.  I tend to be a negative person.  I never knew how hard real life was but I am here and I am going to conquer it.  I will not be beaten down.  I can do this.  I am young, time is on my side.  (Next time I am down…remind me to re-read this!)

In the end, I am grateful.

A Very Cool Moment March 31, 2008

Last Sunday at church Drew sang this amazing song that if I could I would have just stood up and asked them to play a hundred times over so I could take in every word, every note.  IT was amazing.  I had never heard it before and looked it up.  Aparently it is pretty popular right now.  It is called “Whatever It Takes” by Lifehouse.

It talks about being willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship work after pain has been inflicted and hurt has set in.  About realizing what it is you have and begging for it.  In my short but oh what can feel so long marriage, my husband and I have both been on the giving and receiving side of this song so it hit me especially hard.

I was on the phone with my husband who is out of town for 3 months on work and told him about this amazing song our friend had introduced me to and how much it meant to me and made me think of us.  He stopped a second a said that this weekend he was in the car and heard a song he wanted to share with me too.  You guessed it. 

Before I even told him anything about the song he began to explain how it was about just doing whatever it takes to make things right.  I had to stop a moment and rethink if I had let the song title slip and he was just trying to score points or be silly!  Nope!  I played the song over the phone and he was so excited he got goosebumps.

It was such a neat moment to know that our hearts were in the same place.  Maybe a dysfunctional place but hey, sometimes you gotta be grateful for where you are and what you got at that moment!   You can check out the song at vh1.com in their top 20.

PEACE!

Home March 21, 2008

Finally home.  It is the best.  My son is so happy too.  He asked every day to go home and sleep in his bed!  Awww, poor kid.  He is in heaven!

Good to be home.  Miss my friends.  Miss my church.  Excited to sing some old hymns this Sunday.  Been a while.  Love em.

Day 1 March 3, 2008

Here I am at Day 1.  It has not been too bad.  A friend came over with her little boy so it was great that Will had somebody to play with.  They are so darn cute!

I had a tough time yesterday at the airport.  We dropped Daddy off at the curb and it seemed like Will had no clue until we were ready to drive away.  We helped get all of his bags out and gave kisses and hugs and said goodbye.  Will then said “Daddy, sit in seat and drive us home!” He was not sure why we would leave Daddy somewhere.   After we began to drive away he blew kisses until daddy was out of sight and then it must have hit him that this was not a game.  He lost it. 

Today he has been telling people “Daddy at oreport!”  That is his “airport”  it is so funny.  And if you ask him where daddy went he says “Weezy-ana” for Louisiana!   Isnt that hilarious!  He has been telling me all day that daddy will be right back and I don’t know how to explain it. 

Anyway, it has been an ok day.  Tomorrow we have a sitter so that will be a nice break.  Just trying to keep the head up!  So far so good.  And thank you to everybody who has been so sweet to offer to be there for me.  It is what keeps the desperation feeling from collapsing in on me.  I am so grateful to be affiliated with Beachside Church.  It is the first church I feel comfortable calling a home.

Amaaaazing! February 28, 2008

My husband and I somehow started this little thing with my 2 year old where we use the word “amaaaazing” in a certain tone of voice.  And ANYTHING can be amazing when you are two.  He told his Grandparents over the phone yesterday out of the clear blue that Mickey Mouse was amaaazing!  Who knows where it comes from.

Anyway, many of you who know me know I am a Christian.  But like everyone I am not perfect and sometimes I have a difficult time embracing all that it is to be a Christian.  A Christ follower.  Well, today I came home from “going blue” as I call it at the ladies bilble study and I walked into my house and found myself (not intentionally) saying “Wow, God, You are amaaazing!”  I wasnt trying to be silly but then when I heard myself say it I couldnt help but think of the times we have with our son.

I (unfortunatley) do not often say things like that.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I think it is because the people with whom I have known in my life who talk so “righteously” are usually the ones furthest from the Truth.  So to me, it is a very personal thing the way I feel about God because I think I may appear like them if I audibly praise Him.  Or that maybe people will expect me to be perfect… or even worse…. be malicious and wait for me to fail because I have put my faith out for others to see.

I don’t know what is right or wrong here but I think I will start at caring less what people may think.  Trying to learn to accept myself with all of the bumps and bruises.  Really knowing and embracing the fact that I am imperfect and God really does still love me just as I am.  I used to HATE when people said “embrace” something because it sounded so New Agey and Hollywood… but now I get it.  When used in this manner it is so appropriate and I could not think of a better more fitting word.

God has enlightened me to something specific today.  He actually spoke to me.  (No, not audibly, dummies.)  But it was so clear the feeling I had it was amaaazing!  And you know what…I am going to follow through with it.  I am going to have faith and listen.  Hows that for being preachy! Listen to me go!  (I bet I just lost 50% of my readers because of it too!  Ah well!) 

PEACE and Embrace  (ehehehehhe)