Will to Mommy: “Me have happy feet, mommy.”
Identity Crisis March 7, 2008
I have been struggling with something lately that I just can’t quite conquer. I am actively fighting it but sometimes I just find myself feeling lost and not sure where the next step should be. I have touched on this before in my writings but now I want to really expose it in hopes of enlightening myself to what is going on. Sometimes I feel like you end up answering your own questions by talking it out. So here it goes.
I am finding that all of my identity, my worth is tied up in my outward appearance. This is hard to admit because typically people will judge you off of that statement and write you off as vain or shallow. Please understand there is more to it.
You see, I never even realized this until the last several months. It is very sad to me. I spent my teens an young 20’s being put on a pedestal for doing anything mildly good. People gave me what I wanted, I got in to places as VIP, I could make anything happen. I was in denial that it was only my appearance because I knew there was more to me and convinced myself that they saw it too and THAT was why I was getting a free ride or getting off easy. Boy was I wrong.
I grew up in a shallow school filled with shallow people. You had to stay beautiful and thin or you had no worth. Yes, I know how wrong it is but it still doesnt change it. Men didnt take the time to get to know me…they only had 1 goal in mind. That was it. I wanted to believe differently so I did. That only got me into trouble. I needed to place more self worth of myself. I was viewed as a sexual being and slowly I started believing it. I am still trying to undo all of those years of abuse.
Now I am faced with an extremely harsh reality. Almost overnight I got pregnant with my 2nd child and found myself in a new playing field. I no longer had the body or looks to get me by. Even now, after the baby is here I still feel awful about myself. I am 20 pounds overweight and am walking in circles not knowing who I am anymore. It is saddening to figure this out but I am determined to dig deeper. I know I am more than this. SO much more. I have great qualities. But how do I learn to love myself for those reasons?
It may seem juvenile but maybe that is where I need to start from. Somehow I missed this step and need to go back and redo that path.
It is a terrible feeling to wonder daily why your husband can love you eventhough you got so fat. Or worse, wonder if he is upset he picked me becasue I am not a trophy wife anymore so why should he be proud to have me on his arm. These are thoughts that bombard me daily. I have learned through all of this just how low my self esteem truly is and it sucks. It is all a mind game that I have been letting others control for so long.
I have been working out daily to achieve this unatainable perfection. I want to change my focus. I still want to be healthy and attractive for my husband and for myself… However, NOT because I am nothing without it. I am so scared of mediocrity. It petrifies me to not be beautiful. I hide behind it. It comforts me. When all else fails at least I have that.
I hope you do not see me as shallow or vain and understand what I am trying to say. It is the same as someone who hidees behind anything else…music, alcohol, drugs,…whatever is defining them. I want to be defined by Christ. I can honestly (and shamefully) say that I do not know what that is like but I am sure it is good.
I am not sure how it works but I am going to figure it out. Any suggestions please let em’ fly. I am off to get some sleep while it is raining. That is the best. Thanks for reading. I look forward to your input.
