Oh Adam, How I Love and Hate Thee March 3, 2008

OUCH!  I had my first appointment with my personal trainer today!  OK, so don’t let them quiet ones get ya!  They are deceiving!  Quiet Adam ends up kicking my butt big time!  I never knew I had muscles in some of these places or that some things that look so easy are like sooooo insane!  Anybody familiar with a “plank?”   Well, I ain’t tellin ya.  If you are brave enough ask a trainer to help you do it!  Give it a try!

So, I will do my own thing tomorrow and then meet up with him again later in the week.  I told him I felt like Bambi on my new wobbly legs!

Not For The Weak March 3, 2008

So this is something I rarely talk about anymore.  But I am at a point where I question my beliefs in this matter.  Tell me what you think.

I have a dear friend whom I have known longer than anyone else in my life besides my family.  We played as kids, planned our weddings to out favorite New Kid On The Block, and planned raising our babies together someday.

Well sometime in her teens she took a turn for the worse.  She went from the all American Girl next door to a troubled girl who found identity in bad people.  She quickly deteriorated and fell harder and faster ever day.  Her parents tried desperately to step in and did everything in their power to save her but it was too late.  She had made up her mind. 

She wasnt out of her teens when she got pregnant with her daughter.  She tried cleaning up but it never took.  She continued to barely get by and make bad decisions.  A couple of years later she found herself pregnant again.  By then she was even worse. When her son was 4 months of age she basically asked her mom if she could watch her kids for the night which turned into forever. 

Almost 3 years have gone by since that night.  She has hit an all time low.  She is in jail, again and I am sure it will not be her last.  Unfortunatley jail is probably the best place she could be considering the alternatives would be walking the street corner with a pimp. 

I never would have thought I would even know anybody with a story like this and this is my best friend.  She has done countless terrible things to her family as well as mine. Countless fake attempts to get get clean only to realize she never had any real intentions and it would rip us apart. 

I recently received an update on her and it got me thinking about how I feel about her.  Last I saw her I was dropping her off at a help center saying good riddance.  She had done me and my family wrong one last time and was not going to be made a fool of again.  She walked away unaffected.

It breaks my heart that my friend doesnt care that she is hurting me.  (Not to even mention her own children and family)  It makes me feel like I am not worth anything to her.  Like our dreams we planned as kids were just a game.  She was my maid of honor but I guess I will never get to be hers like we had planned.  I feel abandoned.  And the worst part is what she chose over me…a pimp who beats her and random men who abuse her and friends who could never care for her like I do.

I just have a little guilt setting in because I don’t know how to forgive over and over.  Iknow I need to but i am confused what to do after that.  I have written her off and have made that overly clear to her.  On the other hand I still have that deep desire to see her come around and clean up.  I wonder if I am doing the right thing.  Is this tough love or just being mean?

Her poor parents are getting roped into another upsetting facade as we speak.  Now that she is in jail again she starts calling home.  (Keep in mind this is the ONLY time they hear from her) Of course she found Jesus…for the 28th time and wants to get her act together.  Bull. 

Have any of you dealt with stuff like this?  Would you continue letting her come back only to probably hurt you again?

Quote of The Day March 3, 2008

Will to Mommy: “Sissy have nipples?”

 Carla to Personal Trainer during work out: “I fell like Bambi with new legs!”  As I was trying to walk with wobbly muscles!

Day 1 March 3, 2008

Here I am at Day 1.  It has not been too bad.  A friend came over with her little boy so it was great that Will had somebody to play with.  They are so darn cute!

I had a tough time yesterday at the airport.  We dropped Daddy off at the curb and it seemed like Will had no clue until we were ready to drive away.  We helped get all of his bags out and gave kisses and hugs and said goodbye.  Will then said “Daddy, sit in seat and drive us home!” He was not sure why we would leave Daddy somewhere.   After we began to drive away he blew kisses until daddy was out of sight and then it must have hit him that this was not a game.  He lost it. 

Today he has been telling people “Daddy at oreport!”  That is his “airport”  it is so funny.  And if you ask him where daddy went he says “Weezy-ana” for Louisiana!   Isnt that hilarious!  He has been telling me all day that daddy will be right back and I don’t know how to explain it. 

Anyway, it has been an ok day.  Tomorrow we have a sitter so that will be a nice break.  Just trying to keep the head up!  So far so good.  And thank you to everybody who has been so sweet to offer to be there for me.  It is what keeps the desperation feeling from collapsing in on me.  I am so grateful to be affiliated with Beachside Church.  It is the first church I feel comfortable calling a home.

Quote of The Day March 3, 2008

Will to baby Pygmy Goat at Zoo: “You have eyes!” 

 

Mommy Daddy Time! March 3, 2008

So Franc “surprised” me with tickets to go see a show I have been wanting to see sooo badly!  It was La Nouba, a Cirque du Soleil production in Orlando!  Now before I get to far I have to explain why “surprise” is in quotes!  It’s kinda funny to me.

I don’t know if anybody else is like this but I will expose my silliness anyway.  I have never liked surprises.  I always found ways of spoiling them!  I never really knew why though.  I just figured I was impatient.  I finally fiqured out why… I am reading this book my friend Christie gave me about “Spirited” kids.  (It is a prettier word than difficult)  Anyway, one of the characteristics you may find in a spirited child is the lack of ability or desire to adapt easily to change or routine.  ding, ding, ding.  When I realized that we were in the car and before me was an unknown of where we were headed…I got very uneasy.  I tried to get him to tell me to calm my gut but he wouldnt.  I finally had to break down and tell him what was going on in my head!  He looked at me like “Here we go again, nutjob!”

Let me see if I can articulate what goes on in my head…

“Where are we going?  Will I like it?  Is it going to be cold?  Should I dress differently?  I don’t want to be underdressed…I ‘m only in jeans and a t-shirt. I dont have any make up on. Oh I hope I like it so I don’t hurt his feelings.  Well, maybe it was this or maybe we are going there… When should I tell our friends we will be back for the kids? Should I pack them extra food in case we go late?  What about their clothes and stuff?  Do THEY know where we will be?”

 Well, unfortunately, that is only a fraction of all of the kooky things that dart through my noggin in a minute.  So, finally I told him and he understood why I just needed to know.  He wanted to be romantic and surprise me but I just can’t take it!  I need to plan ahead not only physically but mentally too.  I cannot enjoy myself unless I do.

So… after he told me I was sooo excited!  I was finally free of the knots in my tummy!  We got to the show just in time!  IT was AWESOME!  Just like I had hoped!  And it was just the two of us! 
And by the way.. this show was tough on the ole sensitive nerves and anxiety!  Those people so high up there and no wires!!!  My analytical side kept trying to ruin the show for me!  Telling me…”oh she is way to high, she is only human she is going to fall one of these times, the odds are definately not in her favor…”  I kept telling myself to shut up!  I must have looked like a kookoo bird who they let out of holding to see a show for a field trip!

In the end we had an amazing day.  From top to bottom it was just perfect!

Focusing On The Good March 3, 2008

We spent our last Saturday together as a family at the zoo!  This not only my kids’ first time but mine as well.  I was so excited!  I wanted to see the giraffes!  So we packed up and headed out to the Jacksoonville Zoo!  We had such an awesome time!

If you ask Will what his favorite animal was he Will promptly tell you “Thomas”… as in Thomas the Train!  Ummm…still a bit confused!  The train ride was pretty neat though!  There was a ton to do for kids and pretty cheap too!  We pet pygmy goats, played in water, ate popcorn, fed giraffes, saw all kinds of animals, and even played on the playground and rode on the carousel!  I put a bunch of pictures on my Facebook page if you want to see!

It was just a terrific day!  And it did’nt end there!  Awesome friends of our took the kids at like 6 and kept them overnight!  Woo hoo!  Gotta live it up when and however you can!  Franc had “surprised” me (I will explain in the next post!) with an evening out….