Inflicting Pain…Intentionally January 27, 2009

Have you ever had something in your life that you literally lived for. Breathed for. Gave everything of yourself for?  I do.

Have you ever had someone who needs to inflict pain on you to make themselves feel better?  I have. 

Well, combine the two and its horrendous.  To have someone intentionally criticize what you love most and work hardest for.  Just never good e

Ouch, My Heart January 20, 2009

Every Tuesday night since the separation of my ex husband and I, my dad takes my children and I out for a special date night to a local restaraunt for their kids night fun.  It has become a huge deal to my son and he excitedly awaits  Tuesday nights!

Today will be the first time he will be with his father on a Tuesday night since we have started this tradition 6 months ago.  I happily tried to explain to him that Daddy was going to take him to kids night tonight and make it sound like an awesome and wonderful idea only to hear his response…”But mom, maybe our whole family can come tonight instead.”  …Cue the heart breaking sounds…He is 3.

I love my little man.  I hate that he has to have these sad realizations as he is getting older.

Just a Little Thought January 20, 2009

I wanted to take a sec and Thank the Lord for the joy and peace He is providing me.  I am so glad to have given my life to HIm and He is indeed faithful.  My heart is so joyful.

May the joy in the Lord be your stregnth.

Happy January 19, 2009

My parents made it possible for the kids and I to join them on a vacation this past weekend up to Pennsylvania to visit with some really great friends we consider family.  It was such a simple and yet wonderful experience.  Got a chance to catch up with som, reconnect with others and even reconcile with some you love the most.

Being around such wonderful people is so incredibly rejuvenating.  I am so grateful to God for them. 

Peace is amazing.

How Great Is Our God… January 8, 2009

Ya know, since these last 8 or so months since I have been actively pursuing Christ (not just being content as a benchwarmer) it has just been amazing.  I’ve been in the middle of the most difficult and trying times  in my life yet I have peace and joy.

God  has been so utterly faithful and He is continually working all around me everyday.  I was always so scared to really dive in head first and give it ALL up to Him but since I did…holy cow it’s been awesome!

I don’t know why I was so scared.  I truly understand the phrase “a peace that passes all understanding.”  Peace has been a very difficult thing for me to achieve in all of my life but not now.  Not after simply knowing He loves me and will protect me in all situations.  Life won’t be full of daisies (it sure isnt now) but eveen through it all…it’s worth it.

A Tip To The Ladies Looking For True Love… December 26, 2008

On the first date, tell them you follow Jesus and want the best for your life and relationships and that you plan on abstaining from sex until marriage…it works like a freakin’ charm!!!

The One That Got Away… December 26, 2008

That’s me!  I should coin a term for it or something…it would describe the girl who goes for a guy possibly a little underdoggish and sees the potential! (go ahead…laugh)

Somehow the same pattern repeats and repeats and yet I don’t learn.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been “the one that got away” in the end of so many relationships. I guess its what the Bible calls unequally yolked.  I believe in someone and see the potential, they are excited at the new feeling of confidence I bring to their mediocre sense of self and life and we grow together. Except…there come that point.  That point when they realize this is hard work and I don’t want this anymore…yes it is all for a good cause but…nah.

A few months/years whatever go by and I get my title…”the one that got away.”  All of the sudden I was the best thing that ever happened to them and how they were so stupid to let me go…??!!!  What???  Seriously…major copout.

So when is it going to be time to meet the person who does think I am worth it to make a sacrifice, to step up, to not have to let me go before they realize what they had?

Thank you for listening to my ramblings and rants. Just gotta get it out every now and then….I’m not even altogether sure it makes sense!

But She’s So Beautiful and Confident December 26, 2008

“She’s Intimidating,”  “She’d never want to be friends with ME!.”  “I am way to boring to compare to Her!”   “I bet she has tons of dates’”   “Men must approach her ALL of the time!”  “She would never go out with ME!”  “Gee, it must be rough.”  “I bet SHE’s never lobely on a Friday night.”

These are the absolutely rediculous things I hear from behind, through the grapevine or wherever else but of course never to my face.  It makes me so angry.  So hurt.  Am I that shallow?  Do people think I am that shallow?  Do they even realize it is such an insult?

Meanwhile they enjoy their cliques, friends, play dates and luncheons.  All the while…I sit at home…alone.  I’m that girl.  The one who doesnt get invited, the one hears about the fun the day after.

How am I supposed to make friends, to fit in?  The days when my children are at their fathers, all I want is to have something that resembles a personal life, a sign that someone cares and want ME.  Anyone.

I’m so sick of hearing the lame excuses.  I am a person and I need friends, love, attention, a sense of belonging.

So, here I sit.  Been in bed on a Friday night with no children since 7pm. Wishing and trying semi embarrassing techniques to make excuses to talk to the people I kinda know and make pathetic attempts to not invite myself to whatever they may be doing….to no avail.

Merry Christmas? December 25, 2008

Today was hard. I’m not sure how to process my  feelings so I am turning here.  My family has fallen apart and I feel like I am trying to pick up the pieces and choke my way through the holidays…desperately trying to make it special and as happy as possible for them.

I want to enjoy the joy in their faces today but I feel lost in disappointment that I know they will soon face when they grow up and start putting the puzzle pieces together.

Not to mention the lonliness of being alone through the holidays when you are the type of person who loves giving and being a special part of anothers life. I know my patience and devotion to waiting for God’s plan will pay off but sometimes it just gets rough.

On the other hand, I am so grateful to my family. I am still living with my parents, the 3 of us in one room so we had a hilarious time trying to leave all of the proper Santa trademarks and gifts in the very bedroom they were sleeping!  Mom and dad made sure I was taken care of by Santa too and had left some extra presents just for me. My stocking was full and so was my heart. My parents always protect me, always try to protect my feelings and my heart.

Our whole family came over…there are like 13 or 15 or some crazy number of us.  We ate a ton and opened up one present at a time from beneathe the tree. It’s a slow but awesome tradition, ensuring each and every person gets a spotlight while its their turn.

Everyone went home for naps and then all reconveined at moms for a honey baked ham dinner.  Another awesome tradition in our home. I am very blessed to be a member of this crazy family. The priorities are in line, maybe not perfect but pretty good to me.  I look forward to the day to complete my little family and have someone by my side to soak all of this in. Until then, keep looking up, having faith and knowing it will be worth the wait.

Merry Christmas.

Seeing People As A Story October 10, 2008

So I have been reading “The Relationship Principles of Jesus” by Tom Holladay, a pastor from Saddleback Church in Lake Forrest CA. 

I have been learning about how to love like Jesus and value relationships as they shoud be, the way Jesus did. 

Confession…one of the more recent chapters I have read is about judging others.  It teaches that we are not to be the judge of others, God is the only true and just judge.  Well, let me tell ya…sometimes I feel like I am 24/7 in the world of like American Idol where anyone who steps in my path is just asking for it! And sometimes you think by the way people dress or act that maybe they are!

I can be cold in my thoughts toward a stranger on the street by automatically judging them in anyway…clothing, language, presentation…oh i am good..or bad really!  So, today I was at the gym and I am not sure how or why this happened but I saw a woman running and instead of a quick “innocent” judgement, I thought to myself…hmmm…she has a story.

It was really a great way to help me from making an unfair, unkind judgement to take a second and see her as a story.  So now, if I see someone who is rude or angry…something made them that way…they have a story….and maybe I can take a second and have compassion for them rather than just write them off.

I think if we remember to see everyone as a story it will help us be less critical and quick to judge!

Hopefully I can remove my head from my rear end long enough to make this a habit!  Otherwise…just don’t wear or do anything stupid around me…youre just asking for it!  Just kidding…